While I am quite sure that many of my struggles are the exact same struggles faced by parents of children without special needs, facing days with a child who struggles to communicate to the world around him can often magnify the rough patches.
This journey of motherhood can be so rewarding and yet there are days that the sadness sets in. The guilt. The frustration. Sadness that this life is not what you expected. Guilt that maybe you caused this or that whatever you are doing as a parent is just making this journey more difficult. And frustration that you can’t just blink your eyes and make it all better.
Today was one of those days where the perfect storm of emotion reached a fever pitch and there was nothing left to do but cry and wave the white flag of surrender.
So many days I try to maintain a positive attitude. Allowing myself to sink into my emotions doesn’t do anybody any good, but there are days like today, where at some point you wonder, when is it enough?
When will it get easier? Do other mothers feel like this? How can I make this better and will my child ever be able to express himself in a manner that does not drive him to the breaking point. It frustrates me and hurts my soul when he lashes out at me. I try to remind myself that it is the frustration and not an indication of his feelings for me, but when I never hear an “I love you” and my energetic kidlet has no time for hugs and kisses, and the frustrated little man starts punching me because I don’t understand what he wants, well that’s when my mama heart breaks and some days I can’t think of anything but giving up.
So on those days, for awhile, I give up. I cry. I wallow. I give in to all. I do my best to make it through the day and just make it to bed time. Tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll fight the good fight, but tonight, I’ll stop and just surrender.