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Monday, December 6, 2010

Letting It All Out

I had a dose of reality this weekend. No, nothing terrible happened, but thanks to a couple drinks to many, I released a bunch of emotions that apparently I had been bottling up. I think I started this blog as an attempt to quit bottling up emotions, let them out in a healthy way, but who am I kidding, I still managed to avoid anything real. I think even with the false sense of anonymity I’ve created in my blog identity, I fear delving too far into my personal life, because, well, it’s personal. However I need to learn to let out some of the feelings or else this will keep happening.

What happened you may ask? A complete and utter meltdown. Poor HB had to deal with me as I wept. I couldn’t even articulate most of the time why I was crying. I think I just needed release.

I was finally able to admit to myself and HB one of my biggest fears: that he resents me staying home with Little Gbear. I know we both decided it was for the best, but I guess deep down I was worried that he thought I just sat around all day and ate bon bons. You want to know why I thought that? Because that’s how I used to think of my mom. I never appreciated how much work goes into keeping a child happy, a dog content, and a house from looking like an epic disaster.

Instead of saying something to HB, I had just tucked these fears away. I know he loves me and he’s never made any hint of discontent, but a mind can be a dangerous thing.

I also have been fighting a feeling of inadequacy. I always intended to have career, marriage, baby. In that order. I never intended to be a stay at home mom. The crazy thing is, I love it. I wouldn’t have it any other way, but that doesn’t stop me from wondering what people think of me. I see all of the people I went to school with going to grad school, traveling the world, getting fancy careers. I am so happy to be Lil Gbears mom, but for a while I’ve been fighting the what if’s.

Amazingly, after my melt down, I feel more at peace. I’m more content in my role as Mom. I need to take charge of my happiness. I need to learn not to bottle up my emotions. I need to learn to say, “hey babe, can you put your dishes in the dishwasher” or “hey babe, take a break from the video game and pay some attention to me” (haha, needy much?!). He’s not going to go running; we used to be more upfront before deployment. Then I was just reveling in having him home. Now I need to continue to live, with him, again and not just tiptoe around life.
Phew.

Other than my little meltdown it was a great weekend with great food, great friends, and an amazingly kind patient (should I say it) Great husband! I even made my first ever apple pie; it had been intended for T-Gives, but alas, we had too much food. Three pies for three people may have been a bit of overkill ;)
Thanks to D.A.R. for her amazing Caramel Apple Pie Recipe
Caramel Apple Pie Pre Top Crust

6 comments:

Lou said...

im sorry you had a meltdown, im glad though that you expressed how you felts. Stay strong i admire stay at home moms they are such strong women, just like you are.
Pie looks delicious!!

nikeathena said...

Sometimes a little alcohol and a meltdown is what we need to grow. I totally agree with the "a mind can be a dangerous thing." It's good you were able to express your feelings to your husband.

Aimee said...

I agree, Sometimes you need a little meltdown! I always feel better after I have a meltdown.. not that I have them that much;) Btw the pie looks pretty good!!

Steph said...

I sure hope he made you feel better. I used to have meltdowns quite frequently when I was drinking. I've been "good" lately though.

And that pie looks freaking awesome!

Unlikely Wife said...

It can take a meltdown to make everyone pay attention- you and your husband. I've been having similar feelings, too. I haven't come to any conclusions yet, but just being honest is a start. Good luck in your journey!

Hil Fish said...

It is amazing as women the judgements we put upon ourselves. I have felt very similar being a stay at home housewife, and we don't even have kids yet! So truly what do I do all day? Yes some days I do sit around in my PJ's and do nothing but feel sorry for myself. I do wonder how much the hubs resents this? We have talked about it, and oddly he feels guilty that I gave up my career to PCS with him. So we try to make the best of it. But I have meltdowns, and I always feel better. Let it out, for me it is the only way that the feelings go away. xo

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