What happened you may ask? A complete and utter meltdown. Poor HB had to deal with me as I wept. I couldn’t even articulate most of the time why I was crying. I think I just needed release.
I was finally able to admit to myself and HB one of my biggest fears: that he resents me staying home with Little Gbear. I know we both decided it was for the best, but I guess deep down I was worried that he thought I just sat around all day and ate bon bons. You want to know why I thought that? Because that’s how I used to think of my mom. I never appreciated how much work goes into keeping a child happy, a dog content, and a house from looking like an epic disaster.
Instead of saying something to HB, I had just tucked these fears away. I know he loves me and he’s never made any hint of discontent, but a mind can be a dangerous thing.
I also have been fighting a feeling of inadequacy. I always intended to have career, marriage, baby. In that order. I never intended to be a stay at home mom. The crazy thing is, I love it. I wouldn’t have it any other way, but that doesn’t stop me from wondering what people think of me. I see all of the people I went to school with going to grad school, traveling the world, getting fancy careers. I am so happy to be Lil Gbears mom, but for a while I’ve been fighting the what if’s.
Amazingly, after my melt down, I feel more at peace. I’m more content in my role as Mom. I need to take charge of my happiness. I need to learn not to bottle up my emotions. I need to learn to say, “hey babe, can you put your dishes in the dishwasher” or “hey babe, take a break from the video game and pay some attention to me” (haha, needy much?!). He’s not going to go running; we used to be more upfront before deployment. Then I was just reveling in having him home. Now I need to continue to live, with him, again and not just tiptoe around life.
Other than my little meltdown it was a great weekend with great food, great friends, and an amazingly kind patient (should I say it) Great husband! I even made my first ever apple pie; it had been intended for T-Gives, but alas, we had too much food. Three pies for three people may have been a bit of overkill ;)
Thanks to D.A.R. for her amazing Caramel Apple Pie Recipe
|Caramel Apple Pie Pre Top Crust|